an unforgettable day.

my grandpa passed away tonight.
i didn't get to say goodbye.
i loved him so much. and to hear about him suffering.... i don't even know.
the fact that my plane was cancelled thurs. when i supposed to fly out kills me. because if i had gotten here thurs, i would have been able to see him and sing to him. on the plane ride today, i was saturating myself with worship music. and crying. and just feeling a strong leading to bring my guitar--for it is the only weapon i have--and sing over him. i could feel how powerful that would've been. john whole-heartedly agreed with me.

yet i didn't get the chance.

we got a phone call at 7.30 tonight--after dinner--from my aunt sue that he may not hold on another 30 min. my mom had gone down last night because his breathing was irregular and spent the night...and had come back to NH just to see me and cook me dinner. we were planning on heading to CT in the morning. so when we got that call she was regretting that she'd left...yet wanted to be here for me. so my dad and i sat with my mom waiting for Sue to call back if things changed. about 1.5 hrs later, my mom got another call saying Grandpa had passed away. they gave him two doses of pain meds...he flatlined, came to, and then flatlined again.

i don't understand pain. i don't understand why we have to suffer. why sickness happens. and why love hurts. i don't understand the process of grief. my mom has now lost both her parents. and it kills me to see her so sad.

there has been good that has come out of it. my aunts and uncles are coming together in a family that has been torn apart for years. i pray to God that this brings permanent change. there is so much hurt and dysfunction and deep deep pain. i just want to take it all away. it makes my heart hurt.

i just emailed John in Iraq telling him that Grandpa's gone. i'm trying not to let myself go down the "if only.." route or the "shoulda, coulda" route...cuz i could go there right now. i have a feeling i'm gonna have to be strong for my mom this weekend. but i'm sure eventually it'll hit me more.

i just wanted to see him once more. and i don't understand why it didn't happen. i even almost missed the bus today.

so much pain. so much sadness. i hate cancer. it's an ugly. ugly sickness. and i'm so sad my grandpa had to go through it. i love him so much. life is too short to live in regret and unforgiveness. this one's for you Grandpa. i love you.

survive.

Somewhere between happy, and total f***ing wreck
Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge
To spend your waking moments, simply killing time
Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your...

Life for you, (who we are) has been less than kind
So take a number, (who we are) stand in line
We've all been sorry, (who we are) we've all been hurt
But how we survive, (who we are) is what makes us who we are

An obvious disinterest, a barely managed smile
A deep nod in agreement, a status quo exile
I shirk my obligations, I miss all your deadlines
I excel at quitting early, and f***ing up my life

Life for you, (who we are) has been less than kind
So take a number, (who we are) stand in line
We've all been sorry, (who we are) we've all been hurt
But how we survive, (who we are) is what makes us who we are

All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day
Everything always works out, I have never felt so f***ing great
All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day
Everything always works out, I have never felt so great

(Life isn't like this)
(Life isn't like this)
(Life isn't like this)
(Life isn't like this)
(Life isn't like this) Life isn't like this
(Life isn't like this) Life isn't like this
(Life isn't like this) Are we verging on an answer,
or f***ing up our...

Life for you, (who we are) has been less than kind
So take a number, (who we are) stand in line
We've all been sorry, (who we are) we've all been hurt
But how we survive, (who we are) is what makes us who we are

(Who we are)
It's what makes us who we are
(Who we are)
Makes us who we are
(Who we are)
It's what makes us who we are
(Who we are)

hope in dark places

some of this is an excerpt from an email i sent someone tonight. i've been feeling for awhile that i need to write again. to get these thoughts out of my head and onto something. maybe it'll prompt songs again. maybe it'll birth something. it's time for something new.

i read a blog from jamie tonight. in a week i'll get to meet him and i'm pumped. he's just so full of hope. so full of life. and his perspective reminds me of mine. this is about a show he went to recently...

..."It turned out to be one of the best shows i've ever seen in my life. i keep telling people about it and i'm pretty sure i sound like an idiot because i can't begin to explain it and i just go on and on. For me, it was everything i love about music and so much of what i hope to find in this life."

"The best songs, the best bands and nights - they remind you you're alive. They remind you it's okay to cry, okay to celebrate and dream, okay to push and move and change. Okay to believe."

that's stuff i would say. not very many people go to a show--and i'm not talking about a blatant christian show--and leave with something deeper. it's rare. i like finding the hope in dark or non-obvious places. i guess right now i need to find it for myself and then eventually i can find it for other ppl again. anyway. i'm looking into schools in FL right now. and Denver.
i need answers.
soon.

and i'm worried about my grandpa. and my mom. and praying that God does not take him away yet. please, not yet. not now.

i'm too tired to write anything else. nite.