i just talked to david tonight on chat. besides a few emails over the past few months, i haven't talked to him in about 2 years. i've gotten past how i felt and have decided i can handle being friends with him, because he was such an impact on my life in such a few short weeks. granted, he was the first guy i've felt was as close to love as i've ever gotten. and he broke my heart. i can't explain how i felt, but i've never felt anything like that in my entire life.
and i want to find it again.
SO BAD.
i'm 29. i'm okay with that, but at the same time...ehhhh.
and i'm sick of settling.
in everything.
last fall, i had a dream where i was ministering and i was with my soul mate. i know for a fact it was him. because of the way i felt in the dream, my heart knew in my dream that he was it. he was everything i hoped for and i knew it.
i've settled since that dream. i settled before that dream. and now my heart yearns for real. it yearns for relationships that bring me life and not death. my heart yearns to see people set FREE. it yearns to be happy again. and love life all the time. not just every other day. or days when i get to go to the beach and run. i yearn to do things that bring me alive.
i want to really feel alive.
and i'm on a quest to find the things that do.
i've lived a lot of death and through a lot of damage this year. i lost my grandpa last fall. i lost my uncle right after my birthday in May...and dealt with 4 people in my life who shut me out completely all at the same period of time.
nightmare.
in the midst of that awful heartache and shock, i went through 2 very crazy dating frenzies. i learned a lot in the process but i'm on a relentless pursuit to choose that which brings me life. my heart burns for it. my mind thinks about it too much. and i needed to let it out here.
things are changing. lots of people are moving away. i don't have a CLUE what i'm doing. but for now i'm okay. i just know i have a voice. and i'm sick of people not hearing it. i gotta let it out.
