an unforgettable day.

my grandpa passed away tonight.
i didn't get to say goodbye.
i loved him so much. and to hear about him suffering.... i don't even know.
the fact that my plane was cancelled thurs. when i supposed to fly out kills me. because if i had gotten here thurs, i would have been able to see him and sing to him. on the plane ride today, i was saturating myself with worship music. and crying. and just feeling a strong leading to bring my guitar--for it is the only weapon i have--and sing over him. i could feel how powerful that would've been. john whole-heartedly agreed with me.

yet i didn't get the chance.

we got a phone call at 7.30 tonight--after dinner--from my aunt sue that he may not hold on another 30 min. my mom had gone down last night because his breathing was irregular and spent the night...and had come back to NH just to see me and cook me dinner. we were planning on heading to CT in the morning. so when we got that call she was regretting that she'd left...yet wanted to be here for me. so my dad and i sat with my mom waiting for Sue to call back if things changed. about 1.5 hrs later, my mom got another call saying Grandpa had passed away. they gave him two doses of pain meds...he flatlined, came to, and then flatlined again.

i don't understand pain. i don't understand why we have to suffer. why sickness happens. and why love hurts. i don't understand the process of grief. my mom has now lost both her parents. and it kills me to see her so sad.

there has been good that has come out of it. my aunts and uncles are coming together in a family that has been torn apart for years. i pray to God that this brings permanent change. there is so much hurt and dysfunction and deep deep pain. i just want to take it all away. it makes my heart hurt.

i just emailed John in Iraq telling him that Grandpa's gone. i'm trying not to let myself go down the "if only.." route or the "shoulda, coulda" route...cuz i could go there right now. i have a feeling i'm gonna have to be strong for my mom this weekend. but i'm sure eventually it'll hit me more.

i just wanted to see him once more. and i don't understand why it didn't happen. i even almost missed the bus today.

so much pain. so much sadness. i hate cancer. it's an ugly. ugly sickness. and i'm so sad my grandpa had to go through it. i love him so much. life is too short to live in regret and unforgiveness. this one's for you Grandpa. i love you.